Knowledge

No one can know. Know what lies behind these eyes.
Know the depth of emotion that lies beneath the surface.
No one would want to know. Know the scars that have yet to heal.
Know the battle that every single day holds.
No one knows. No one wants to know.

Except He who knows all.
He knows.

And that's all I need to know.

Job's wife

Is certainly up there in the list of Biblical characters who fall really short:

"Curse God and die." (Job 2:10)

We didn't start the fire

but now we've got to fight it....or go down in flames.

Its strange how certain things just stick with you...

I wrote a song for my 6th grade English class. I haven't looked at it in years, and yet the chorus popped into my head this evening.

I thought I saw a light at the end of the tunnel
But it turns out that light was just an on-coming train
I just keep living my life, day-by-day
But I can't help wondering: will my life stay this way?

hm.

Like butter scraped over too much bread...

It's coming down to the end. And my motivation is fading fast. I keep thinking I just have to wait until....my pysc project is done, my finals are done, I go see John, I start my summer internship....and THEN things'll be better.

And the little Humanities teacher in my head is punching my brain, saying Live in the moment, live in the moment, live in the moment!

I'm trying. I know that God put me here to do something specific in this place and time. And maybe that's just homework for the time-being. But He has planned it, so I need to live it as He wants me to.

That doesn't make it easy... but I know that "for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." (Rom 8:28)

Even homework. :-)

What a fallen, fallen world...

A friend of mine, a 6th grader, asked my advice on what to do with a friend who talks about suicide and cuts himself with a pencil...

It breaks my heart to even think that a 12 year old would face such problems.

There's a grief that can't be spoken

Dreaming? Being awake?

I've been having nightmares every time I sleep...for about 3 days now. For whatever reason they come and go; but when they're around it's not pleasant. And I wake up, petrified, and then fall back asleep. Only to remember them in the middle of the next day.

And then, the days....well, they just have a personality of their own.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice!

There once was a poor old man who owned a bony plow horse. The animal was old, but allowed the man and his son to plow the fields to grow the food off of which they lived. One spring afternoon the horse broke loose from his plow and ran away. The man and his son chased the horse, but it ran into the forest. They searched the woods for days, but to no avail. They were without any means of making a living. The old man’s friends, hearing the yelling, ran to his house. Trying to console him, they said, “We’re so sorry about your horse, old man. What a misfortune you’ve had.” But the old man said, “Bad news, good news-who can tell?”

A week later, the old man and his son were in the field, attmepting to plow it by hand, when they saw a cloud of dust approaching on the horizon. Lo and behold, it was their horse returning leading a herd of wild horses. The old man was rich! Not only did he have plenty of horses to work on his farm but he could sell the others at a profit. Again his friends came running. Filled with joy, they cried, “How wonderful!” But the old man whispered, “Good news, bad news-who can tell?”

Then the next day, when the farmer’s son was trying to ride one of the new horses, the young man was thrown to the ground and broke both of his legs. Upon hearing of the accident, the friends ran to the old man's house. "How unfortunate!" they cried. "Surely this is horrible news!" But the old man simply replied, “Bad news, good news-who can tell?”

And a short time later when the village went to war. A declaration went out that all young men had to go and fight. But when the recruitment officer came to the house of the old man, he shrugged, saying "We've no place for your son in this war." So the son avoided going into battle. Good news. Bad news. Who can tell?

"We are mearly players, performers, and portrayers"

~Limelight, by Rush.

Someone said to me tonight, "Are you okay? You don't seem yourself..."

My unspoken question: If I'm not myself, then who am I?

Sorrowful yet always rejoicing

Lately I've been feeling the weight of the fallenness of this world: neglect, death, sin, suffering, disease, unfaithfulness, sorrow, pride, mistruths, abuse....the list goes on and on.

My heart is heavy with these things, in myself and those I love.

But His Word is good and true. And so I am sorrowful, yet always rejoicing.

Desks

They say that a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind.

For me, a cluttered desk= a cluttered life. It's rare that my desk-space isn't clear, and when it isn't it's because life is so stressful that I don't have time to keep it organized.

Perhaps it works in the reverse too: if I organize my desk, then maybe my life will become less stressful.

2 words

Psychomotor retardation.

Optimism?

Well, I wasn't going to get much sleep tonight anyway, b/c of my exam. So this isn't making it much worse than it was going to be in the first place....

Old Testament Therapy

Depression isn't a new thing, by any means. And how did God treat it?

Sleep, food, sleep, food.

It's Biblical!

Days like this

Days like this make me glad I have a lofted bed- otherwise I would have crawled into it by now and gone back to sleep. But I don't feel like exerting the effort to do so.

Days like this it doesn't help that it's dreary outside. Perhaps if it weren't I'd be a little less dreary myself.

Days like this, I'd go hungry if I didn't have food in my room. Again, too much effort to go anywhere to eat.

Days like this I'm glad my roommate has class. So I can sit here doing nothing. Knowing I have a hundred things to do, but not having the energy or ambition to do any of them...